


Oh, motherfucker

by Shleapord



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, chat fic, do i have to tag major character death if they all come back in endgame, uhhhh, yall.... idk, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shleapord/pseuds/Shleapord
Summary: NF: Okay, so remember your callsign?CD: Yes, I remember my callsignNF: I feel like that was said sarcasticallyCarol upgrades Fury's pager! Fury complains about the Avengers to Carol! It's fun for everybody!
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Nick Fury
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	Oh, motherfucker

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I published something similar to this about a week or two ago, in which Nick adopts Peter and then raises him during the events of the MCU, but I decided I didn't like it because it was half Nick complaining to Carol, so I rewrote it and now its all Nick complaining to Carol! Disclaimers and explanations in the end notes because spoilers!!!!

CD: hey nick!!  
NF: Carol? How are you doing this  
CD: I upgraded my side of the messager so we can talk through the devices instead of me trying to guess whether the earth is exploding or you want to chat whenever you hit the panic button  
NF: thanks?  
CD: I’ll get you one when I come back  
CD: so!  
CD: how’s it going on earth  
NF: so you know captain America  
CD: the dude who crashed into the arctic and died then got like 10 movies made about him? Yes I know captain America  
NF: well  
NF: he’s back  
CD: like y’all found the body?  
NF: ha  
CD: shut up I’ve been spending time in Louisiana  
NF: no like we found him alive  
CD: what?????  
NF: yeah  
NF: be right back he just made a break for it

NF: okay you remember how I was telling you about Maria and Howard’s kid  
CD: Anthony? Yeah, why  
NF: I’m going to kill him  
CD: okay  
CD: why?  
NF: this motherfucker  
NF: went and got himself kidnapped  
CD: ha sucker  
NF: no I’m not done yet  
NF: this kid  
NF: builds himself a suit of armor using scraps of metal  
NF: and now he’s announced all of this in a press conference to the entire world  
CD: HA  
CD: and now you have to deal with the cleanup?  
NF: AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CLEANUP

NF: hey Carol  
NF: you know anything about Asgardians  
CD: MOTHERFUCKERS THE LOT OF THEM  
CD: how do you know about Asgard?  
NF: because one of them crash-landed on earth and is claiming to be Thor  
CD: FUCK HIM  
NF: oh yay  
CD: ARROGANT DICK  
CD: “oooooh I’m thoooor I’m the prince of Asgard oooooh look at my muscles” bitch I’m a lesbian  
NF: okay then  
NF: that’s fun  
NF: and Mjolnir?  
CD: idk it’s a hammer Thor smacks stuff with it sometimes  
NF: can you lift it?  
CD: yeah? It’s not that heavy I hit Thor with it once because Talos dared me to, it was really funny  
NF: holy shit

NF: JESUS CHRIST CAROL  
CD: yes what  
NF: Loki. What do you know  
CD: why are you guys dealing with Loki??? I thought he died?? He’s the prince of Asgard, younger sibling of thor, you mentioned thor once.  
NF: yeah yeah how do you fight him and win  
CD: what?? Set thor on him, works most times. Why are you fighting Loki?  
CD: nick?

NF: Okay I’m back so remember your callsign?  
CD: yes, I remember my callsign  
NF: I feel like that was said sarcastically  
NF: I may or may not have started a superhero group called the Avengers and they may or may not be fighting Loki and a shit ton of aliens in new york right now  
CD: and you didn’t call me?? I love fighting Loki  
NF: you’re too far away. The group needs to prove itself  
NF: oh hey the wormhole is gone and stark is falling from the sky  
NF: I think he’s dead?  
CD: oof  
NF: I’m watching all of this from a window  
NF: oh the hulk screamed at him looks like he’s alive  
CD: dang  
NF: and now the superhero group is walking to a restaurant? I think they’re getting dinner  
CD: oh that’s amazing

NF: carol we got a crisis  
CD: on a scale from SHIELD is actually HYDRA to I lost my reading glasses again how bad is it  
NF: the first one  
CD: what the fuck  
CD: is there anything I can do? It’ll take me a week to get back at full speed with how far I am from you  
NF: shit. Nevermind. Not sure what you would be able to do where you are.  
NF: fuck it I’m faking my death can you message maria and tell her I’m not dead

NF: update because you’re probably worried even though you would never show it  
CD: dude  
NF: I moved to New York  
NF: the plan is to lie low for a few months or years. Let the avengers handle things for a while  
CD: I’m still not over that  
CD: you named  
CD: an ENTIRE SUPERHERO GROUP  
CD: after me  
NF: yeah yeah you’re welcome

CD: hey hey hey guess what  
NF: yes  
CD: remember how I was telling you about that group of idiots who were messing around with a fancy rock  
NF: yes?  
CD: so the guy chasing them was a kree  
NF: did you kill him  
CD: I was too far away I didn't get there in time  
CD: but!  
CD: according to the nova corps, one of the idiots challenged the guy to a dance-off which confused him long enough to snatch the rock  
NF: what  
CD: a dance off to save the universe, nick  
NF: god im glad we don't have to deal fancy rocks like that on earth  
CD: ha, yeah

NF: GODDAMMIT  
CD: what did they do this time  
NF: TONY STARK  
CD: oh this will be good  
NF: BUILT A MURDER ROBOT  
CD: oh my god  
NF: jesus christ I’m going to kill them all after they kill the murder robot

NF: okay it’s over the murderbot didn’t blow up the planet  
CD: A+!  
NF: however  
CD: great  
NF: the world security council is trying to get a handle on the avengers  
NF: they’re making a contract thing that the avengers will have to sign  
NF: it’s still in the works I’ll update you

NF: Jesus fucking christ  
CD: what?  
NF: you know how I was telling you about that spider vigilante that keeps swinging into buildings and getting attacked by daredevil for talking too much  
CD: yeah  
NF: well this kid  
CD: kid??  
NF: carol if he’s legally allowed to drink i’ll eat my eyepatch  
CD: okay then  
NF: this kid crashes a plane into coney island  
NF: after fighting a guy dressed like a fucking… vulture?  
NF: im going to shoot somebody  
CD: /OKAY THEN/

NF: carol  
CD: I didn’t do it  
NF: there’s a whole ass country hidden in Africa  
NF: didn’t do what?  
CD: nothing  
CD: you didn’t know about the hidden country in Africa??  
NF: you knew about the hidden country in Africa??  
CD: yeah talos did a few scans of earth or whatever he thought it was weird that you guys had managed to shield a whole country, something about it being above earth’s technological level?  
NF: yeah no shit they have magic metal or something  
CD: magic  
CD: metal  
NF: look motherfucker im not the scientist here

NF: there’s an intergalactic battle in Wakanda. We need you here now  
CD: I’m coming

CD: something is happening.  
CD: people are disappearing. Does this have something to do with what’s going on in Wakanda?  
CD: nick?  
CD: NICK?  
NF: This is an Automated Message. There is an emergency. This is an Automated Message. There is an emergency. Please go to these coordinates. There is an emergency.

NF: MOTHERFUCKER WHAT HAPPENED  
CD: NICK!!!!!!!!!!!  
CD: YOU’RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
NF: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED  
CD: okay so you got snapped  
NF: i got what now  
CD: i have good news and bad news  
NF: uh  
CD: good news we killed Thanos for the second time! And it worked this time  
NF: who the fuck is Thanos  
CD: bad news its been five years since yall disappeared  
NF: what  
CD: worse news tony stark died  
NF: worse?  
CD: dont be mean he had a daughter  
NF: he fucking what  
NF: okay where are you we need to talk in person  
CD: at the ruins of the Avengers HQ  
NF: what

CD: do you want to go to space with me  
NF: yes PLEASE  
CD: oh what I wasn’t expecting you to say yes you never say yes  
NF: get me the fuck off this planet  
NF: Talos can pretend to be me if anyone needs anything it’ll be fine

T: hey fury  
NF: I said to not contact me unless theres a national emergency  
T: yeah  
T: about that  
T: [image] [image] [video]  
NF:  
NF: motherfucker

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote these as I was writing the fic, so here goes:  
> If Carol seems like an asshole, I swear she’s not trying to be, she’s trying to protect the universe as well as the Skrulls as well as taking down the Kree and a couple of dudes dicking around on earth aren’t enough to concern her all that much  
> Remember how Odin put the worthy spell on Mjolnir only right before yeeting Thor to earth? Yeah nick doesn’t know that which is why he went "holy shit" abt carol picking up the hammer  
> Y’all I only half remember the plots of all the MCU movies don't @ me 
> 
> please comment!!! I feed on comments like a small gremlin living in a cave


End file.
